9 Tips On Love And Guidos

1. You can’t go wrong with cleavage: I can’t explain it, but I do know that boobs hypnotize the opposite sex. You probably want to rein them in at your workplace and air them out when you’re on a date.

Rein your boobs in at your workplace, especially if your workplace is being on the show Jersey Shore. If your boobs aren’t reined in enough, the producers will be like “Well I never!” and their monocles will fall into their brandy snifters of bronzer. Than an AOOOOOOOGAHH! car horn sound will go off, but that was just coincidentally happening in the background.

I cannot believe that JWoww’s first tip involved boobs.

2. Dirty talk is fine; a dirty guy isn’t. MVP [the “Jersey Shore” trio of Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, Vinny and Pauly D.] set the rule on this one — you will never see my roommates going out without sprucing up and pulling on a nice T-shirt.

What’s this about Dirty Sanchezing? Wear a nice t-shirt while doing it? That’s solid advice – The ‘Wowwster is 2-for-2. (I call her that cause JWoww’s too formal. She’s always like, “Please – Mr. JWoww is my father. Call me Wowwster.” I digress.)

3. Kiss his mother’s ass: Never, ever criticize his mother unless you want to remain single.

Corollary: If you do want to remain single, then feel free to go to town on his mom. Be all like, “Yo momma’s so fat, you are that momma and you’re fat!” The possibilities are endless.

4. Never wear a granny on your fanny: Guys have no idea what you’re wearing beneath your smokin’ hot outfit. That is not, however, an excuse to go out in undies that look like they belong to your 80-year-old nonna.

No arguments there — do not literally wear someone’s grandmother on your fanny.

Although, what if your 80-year-old nonna owned some hot-ass crotchlesses? Shoe’s on the other grandma foot NOW, dawg.

5. You can never be too rich or too tan: Baby, it’s all about the bronze.

You can never read too much Amy Tan. TOTAL agreement here, J.

6. Men love a lady who has skills: Let’s be honest, guys say they’re looking for someone pure and respectable to bring home to Mama, but they’re secretly praying she’s a f****** nympho with a bachelor’s degree in banging.

I actually pray that my ladies have a PHD in banging, not just a Bachelor’s, and I don’t mean metaphorically — I will not go home with someone unless they have a framed banging diploma from an Ivy or prominent liberal arts college displayed clearly in their hands at the bar while I’m talking to them.

7. If he’s treating you like Pinocchio, cut the strings: You should never allow yourself to be anyone’s puppet.

Whoa, JWoww is against my chivalrous attempts to treat girls I’m hitting on like Pinocchio by granting their wishes to someday turn into a real boy? You’re losing me here.

8. Never leave home without condoms, your cell phone, cash and a change of panties.

In that order. Because you can always pay for things with wads of condoms, or wear your cell phone if you pee your pants. You cannot, however, have sex with cash wrapped around a penis. Well, you can, but you will instantly get pregnant with a money baby. Did you know that 78% of high school seniors don’t believe that money baby fact is true? Scary.

A-B-C: Always Bring Condoms. Put that coffee down when I’m giving you condom advice! F*ck you, that’s my name! Life is like a box of chocolates, old Jack Lemmon character!

9. Sloppy drunk is not a good look on anyone: You will most likely do something — or somebody — that you’ll regret in the morning.

Remember, pay six figures in educational loans to get a literal secondary banging degree then always bring condoms and go to town while talking dirty (but not about moms or grandmoms) and also boobs boobs, just, you know, try to take it easy on the booze while you’re doing all this......

thanks for reading.. :DD